The Gorgeous Difficult Now

and the looming lessons waiting up ahead

Dear Chloé

I can’t help but think of where I’ll be next year. I’m jealous of that person. Because right now the stupid boy I like is with someone else. So I try and distract myself with what I’ll be like after I get over him. Who I’ll be when I graduate college in 9 months. I want to tell him but I don’t want to ruin his happiness. I guess I’m grateful for all the lessons he taught me. But I can’t help but think of the lessons to come. Is this normal? Or am I crazy?

Sincerely B

Last April my friends and I, stir crazy from winter and convinced it was warm because it was just a bit warmer than it was, went out to get ice cream after work. The light of day was getting longer and it was just now registering to us that it no longer was dark by 4. Sitting down on a bench outside of Van Leeuwens I had my ice cream and though I was enormously happy at the prospect of being in the seaport with friends I was becoming overwhelmingly weighed down by a sadness which had been looming around me for weeks. I began to cry uncontrollably. Not loud wails or inconsolably but in a way, I felt the weight of my life and nothing would really soothe it.